SPANISH JOKES (CHISTES)

A fugitive and a busload of Japanese tourists Three kinds of people
Good news & bad news from the doctor Some guys up a tree
The new hearing aid What brought him to the doctor
The talking duck In case of an emergency
The 300 year old man The policeman and the bum
Losing his hair Forget about it
Good advice from the doctor Blue elephants
Good advice from the saleslady The bakery
The missionary and the lion  

Has oído el caso de ese fugitivo que secuestró un autobús de turistas japoneses?
Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?

La policía tiene 5.000 fotos suyas.
The police have 5,000 pictures of him.

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Hay tres clases de personas:
There are three kinds of people:

las que saben contar y las que no.
those who know how to count, and those who don't.

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El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:
The doctor calls his patient by telephone:

- Vera, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.
"Vera, I have good news and bad news."

- Bueno... dígame primero la buena.
"Well then, . . . tell me the good news first."

- Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.
"The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live."

- Pero, bueno, ¿eso es la buena noticia? ¿Entonces cuál es la mala?
"Well, that's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"

- Que llevo intentando localizarle desde ayer.
"That I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

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Unos tíos están subidos a un árbol cuando les ve un policía.
Some guys are up in a tree when a policeman sees them.

- Pero, bueno, ¿ustedes qué hacen ahí? Venga hombres, bajen. ¡No sea que se caigan y se rompan algo! "Well, what are you all doing there? Come on men, come down. Let's not have any of you falling and breaking something!"

Y cuando llegan al suelo...
And when they arrive on the ground . . .

- A ver, ¿ustedes quiénes son?
"O.K. now, who are you?"

-¡Pucha, qué memoria! ¡Los del árbol!
"Geez, what a memory! The ones from the tree!"

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- Jo, tío, me acabo de comprar un aparato para la sordera que es una maravilla. Me lo puedo meter en la oreja y nadie se da cuenta.
"Hey, man, I have just bought myself an aid for deafness that is a wonder. I can put it in my ear and nobody realizes it."

- Jo, ¡qué cosas...! ¿y cuánto te ha costado?
"Huh, what things [will they think of next]! And how much did it cost you?"

- Las dos y cuarto.
"A quarter past two."

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Un paciente entra en la consulta del médico.
A patient enters the doctor's office.

Doctor: - ¿Qué es lo que le ha traído por aquí?
Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?"

Paciente - Una ambulancia, ¿por qué?
Patient: "An ambulance. Why?"

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Se encuentran dos amigos.
Two friends run into each other.

- Oye, macho, ¡tengo un pato que habla!
"Hey [listen], man, I have a duck that talks!"

- Amos, hombre, no digas tonterías.
"Come on, man, don't say stupid things."

- Que sí, ya verás. Ven a mi casa y lo ves.
"But it's true, you'll see. Come to my house and you'll see it."

Llegan a la casa, abren la puerta y aparece un pato.
They arrive at the house, open the door, and a duck appears.
- A ver. Pato, tráeme una corbata.
"Watch. Duck, bring me a tie."

- Cuaaa!
"Quack!"

- Pst... la de rayas misma!
"Geez . . . the striped one! [Cuál = Which?]

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Un tío ingresa en un hospital para hacerse una pequeña operación.
A guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.

Una enfermera empieza a tomarle los datos; el nombre, la compañía del seguro, etcétera.
A nurse begans to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.

- En caso de emergencia, ¿a quién avisamos?
"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"

- ¿Quiere decir si estoy a punto de morirme?
"Do you mean if I am just about to die?"

- Bueno... sí...
"Well . . . yes . . ."

- En ese caso, ¡llame corriendo a un doctor!
"In that case, run and call a doctor!"

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A un pueblo del oeste llega una carreta y un tío con pinta de charlatán empieza a hacer propaganda de una poción, que supuestamente le conserva joven a pesar de que tiene trescientos años.
To a town in the west there arrives a wagon and a guy who seems like a charlatan (fake doctor) begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite [the fact] that he is three hundred years old.

Un campesino se acerca dudando a uno de sus ayudantes.
A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.

- Oiga, y de verdad que este tío ha vivido trescientos años?
"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"

- Mire, no lo sé, yo sólo llevo doscientos trabajando con él.
"Look, I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."

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Un policía detiene a un transeúnte y le dice:
A policeman detains a transient and says to him:

- A ver, usted, deme el nombre.
"Let's see, you, give me your name."

- ¡Sí, hombre! ¡Y entonces cómo me llamo?
"Yeah, right! And then what would I call myself?!"

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- Doctor, doctor, el pelo se me está cayendo. ¿Me puede dar algo para conservarlo?
"Doctor, doctor, my hair is falling out on me. Can you give me something to keep it?"

- Sí, claro. Aquí tiene una caja de zapatos.
"Yes, of course. Here's a shoe box."

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- Doctor, doctor, no puedo recordar nada.
"Doctor, doctor, I can't remember anything."

- Vaya, y desde cuando tiene usted este problema?
"Wow, and how long have you had this problem?"

- ¿Qué problema?
"What problem?"

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- Doctor, doctor, me he roto el brazo en varios sitios.
Doctor, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places."

- Pues yo de usted no volvería a esos sitios.
"Well, if I were you, I wouldn't go back to those places."

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- Doctor, doctor, veo elefantes azules por todas partes.
"Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."

- Ha visto ya a un psicólogo ?
"Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

- No, sólo elefantes azules.
"No, just blue elephants."

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Una tía entra en una lencería.
A lady enters a lingerie store.

- Buenas, ¿me podría probar ese sujetador, el rojo, en el escaparate?
"Hello, could I try on that bra, the red one, in the window?"

- Claro que puede, ¿pero no sería mejor que se lo probase en el probador?
"Of course you can, but wouldn't it be better if you tried it on in the dressing room?"

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En la panadería:
In the bakery:

- Me da una barra de pan.
"Give me a loaf of bread."

- Tendrá que ser duro.
[duro = stale, tough] "It will have to be stale."

- Le trinca por la solapa, le da un par de bofetadas y le dice: - Me da una barra de pan!!!!
He picks him up by the lapels, gives him a couple slaps and says: "Give me a loaf of bread!!!!"
[This joke relies on the customer's misinterpretation of "Tendrá que ser duro." (i.e., You will have to be tough.)]

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Esto es un misionero que está en plena selva y se encuentra de bruces con un león que estaba casi muerto de hambre.
This one is a missionary who is in the middle of the jungle and finds himself face to face with a lion who was almost dead from hunger.

El misionero se asusta y se pone de rodillas. Empezando a rezar dice:
The missionary becomes frightened and kneels. Beginning to pray, he says:

- Padre, infunde a este pobre león sentimientos cristianos.
"Father, fill this poor lion with Christian feeling."

...Se oye un silencio...
. . . A silence is heard . . .

y de buenas a primeras el león se pone de rodillas, diciendo: - Padre, bendice estos alimentos que voy a recibir...
and all of a sudden the lion kneels, saying: "Father, bless this food which I am about to receive . . ."

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All jokes from Spanish Pronto!
used with permission